No One Doesn't Love Friend Time with Shuu Chan!
by Gliblord
Summary: Just when I thought I'd left the Bleach crackfic addiction behind me, Kubo had to come up with another ridiculously, irresistibly lulzy haxathon.


**NO ONE DOESN'T LOVE FRIEND TIME WITH SHUU-CHAN! -or- My Little Shuu-Chan, Friendship Is Hax**

* * *

><p><span>Author's note:<span> This is what ramen kenpou is: _onepiece. wikia wiki/Ramen_Kenpo_

* * *

><p>"...But my debt to Kurosaki Ichigo is even greater!" said Byakuya, complete with a dramatic slight turn of the head.<p>

At this Tsukishima laughed so hard that his blood found new and inventive ways to gush out of his body. But it was worth it.

"My debt is to you, Byakuya-bou! I haven't had a laugh quite that good in a long time-and _I'm_ one-dimensionally evil!"

"How are you still talking?" said Byakuya. "Master," he added.

"What, no response to the 'evil' comment?"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed. "Truly you've grown senile in your old age, Master. You're a Soul Society elite. Tremendous douchebaggery is practically a rite of passage."

"Old age?" Tsukishima looked at his trembling hands. He didn't seem any older, despite having inserted himself into Byakuya's history. "Why, I'm the picture of youth. For some reason."

"Indeed, I've spent many morrows pondering that very question," said Byakuya, "But then again, aging in Soul Society has always been rather arbitrary."

As Tsukishima lay dying a horrible yet inexplicably prolonged death, he strove to recall his own timeline in an effort to understand more clearly his wonky as shit past. This called for some quick two-page back alley flashbacks.

* * *

><p><em>Eight years old. The mansion without Shuu-chan's bedroom was full of the excited squeeing of dozens of buxom supermodels. But they would have to wait on his okay to enter his love den. He had papers to rewrite.<em>

"_I can't see how I received a failing grade on this one," he griped. "I made sure the penmanship and artistry of the FUCK YOU I scrawled were superb. Oh well."_

_STAB_

_The assignment transformed into an A++ essay on the history of Newtonian physics, which must have been especially well argued considering he submitted it to his arts and crafts class. Tsukishima, however, had no time to read his own work. Well actually he had all the time in the world, literally, but he was too lazy to find out what it was he'd written, exactly. Then he stabbed it again, deciding that A++ was shooting low. The teacher now invented a new letter above A, called [yiijj], and this symbol was followed by about ninety pluses. Now he couldn't read it even if he wanted to. A satisfied smirk._

"_Isn't Shuu-chan just incredible?" one gravure idol waiting patiently outside his door couldn't help but sigh to her respected colleagues in the field of tits-having. "To think he managed to save every single one of us from freak mountain lion attacks all over the country, as well as awakened our shared latent bisexuality, polyamory, submissive proclivity and shota fetish. I get wibbly just thinking about him!"_

"_I know what you mean. We all do!" They giggled._

"_But he's got to get rid of those suspenders," one mentioned offhand._

"_LEAVE ME!" Shuu-chan bellowed._

_Fucking no one talked smack about the suspenders._

* * *

><p><em>Eight and a half. Shuu-chan rode at the front lines of the cavalry along with Napoleon Bonaparte himself. Dubbed affectionately by his regiment as Alien Eye, he was the first and only child to earn a trusted place as a strategist alongside a great warrior and lord of war.<em>

"_Men! This winter, we take Russia!" Shuu-chan trolled, raising his fullbringer for his rallying cry._

"_Under Alien Eye's star of prodigy, we've never failed before!" exposited Napoleon. "Onwards! To sure victory!"_

* * *

><p>"<em>Which exhibit should I stab next?" wondered a nine-year-old Shuu-chan, fresh off rewriting history so that he adventured with Alexander the Great and then fucked him to death in the palace of Nebuchadnezzar II. An ancient rock-hewn depiction of Tsukishima's creepy serial killer expression now graced the flag of Macedonia.<em>

_The museum guards would stop him from stabbing every other priceless artifact with a sword, but then Tsukishima had saved them all from swarms of locusts (and gave lots and lots of CPR to the guards' wives, who were subsequently inspired to become polyamorous gravure idols. Everyone's happy!)._

"_Man, it's days like these I sure appreciate that Soul Society neglected to save my mom from a hollow attack, thereby imbuing her with a fullbringer-birthing womb! Maybe I should stab myself up some siblings. It'd make things lulzier than ever!"_

_Little Tsukishima pounded his fist into his palm. "Ah! Why don't I just stab all my honeys so that they were attacked by hollows (don't they make those hollow-gathering doodads now?), but managed to escape! Forget _siblings_," he guffawed._

_A guard tapped the sign. STOP GUFFAWING, SHUU-CHAN._

* * *

><p><em>High school freshman age.<em>

"_You can see me!" Ginjou stopped chasing the hollow and spun on his heels to regard the young man._

"_Well yeah, and I can see hollows too."_

"_Doesn't any of this shock you? I'm standing on air!"_

_Hands in pockets. "Nope. Trust me. I've pulled shit off you wouldn't believe."_

"_I like you!" Ginjou pointed at him, then at the sky. "Soul Society sucks balls! They don't trust me at all. Just because I _occasionally_ freak out with reiatsu surges and don't feel all that much remorse about collateral damage. Sheesh!"_

"_What's your fullbring?" asked Tsukishima._

"_Fullwhat now?"_

* * *

><p><em>Tsukishima was now 16 (or somesuch). Xcution gathered together for the first time.<em>

"_Why do we need an empty warehouse as our headquarters, don't we have your mansion?" asked Riruka._

_Tsukishima looked down at his (unbeknownst to her) daughter, who was sitting on the couch—the only furniture available._

"_Don't talk to Tsukishima-sama like that!" fumed Shishigawara._

_Tsukishima sighed. The only fullbringers here who weren't actually his progeny were Giriko and, of course, Ginjou. And none of them knew it._

"_It can't be the mansion, this is YOUR new home. I want you all to feel comfortable bringing your stuff here."_

"_The plan is to pass off all our powers on a substitute shinigami, yes?" clarified Giriko. This, much more than any sense of fullbringerly camaraderie, was what Giriko was interested in._

"_It sure is!" Ginjou casually lied as he feasted on his bowl of ramen standing up. Naturally, the actual plan was fully formed in Ginjou's mind as "lulzorz to the max."_

"_But first we have to train our powers. Just bear with it, soon we'll be free of the law of the survival of the fittest," said Yukio._

_Ah, family. "I'll see to it that none of you ever feel as down trodden ever again."_

"_I just hope I don't _explode_ ever again!" said Jackie, the only decent human being of the lot._

_Awkwaaaaard._

* * *

><p>"Good God, my life makes no sense whatsoever. But hell." Tsukishima stabbed the pavement with his fullbring. "I don't see why it should start making sense now."<p>

Out from under the blank white tiles sprung a futuristic regeneration pod. "Glad I had the foresight to stab that space shuttle, not to mention all those advanced alien beings. ...Goddamn my power is hax," Tsukishima realized. "REALLY goddamn hax. No wonder I'm so smug. I mean, shit, man, this is really something else."

The regeneration pod dragged his dying form in with its terrifying probes, and with a pleasant *DING* Shuu-chan was good as new. He emerged unscathed from the alien contraption in a classic cliche plume of concealing smoke. While he let the smoke dissipate, Byakuya did nothing, because of drama. (And also because he's Byakuya, whose temperament has been described by some as stoic, and by others as barely awake.)

"Since when were you able to do any such thing as this, you fuck? I mean Master."

"When did I say I _wasn't_ able to do such a thing as this?" Shuu-chan countered cleverly.

"Logic is like unto you as a battered slave boy, isn't it?" said Byakuya resignedly.

"Damn straight." Tsukishima assumed his smug villain pose, hands positioned as though he were juggling and nose upturned-a pose that clashed with his dorky ass suspenders.

"Great. Now I have to watch _this._"

"Also, if I may ask"-smug smug smug-"Since when do you give even the tiniest little fuck about Ichigo? Let me get this straight, you'd do everything in your power to assure your own adoptive sister is executed, solely on some twisted ideal of upholding the law, but some dipshit-who, by the way, has flouted Soul Society at least once-goes to stop you and suddenly you see the error of your ways? Even my motivations make more sense than that-and I don't have any!"

"Ichigo has a unique power to make friends," said Byakuya, old shounen trope at the ready.

And they both shared a hearty chuckle. _Friends? Ichigo? Has that kid ever removed the giant stick in his ass when it comes to his friends?_

"You know, Byakuya-bou, I really do have a unique power to make friends. Like, extremely unique."

Renji flash stepped in by Byakuya's side, crouching with his soul cutter screaming for a kill. "Captain, let me take this guy on-"

ATTACK FROM BEHIND STAB

"-out to the ball game!" Renji finished. His sword was now a baseball bat, and he was dressed in baseball garb.

"Jobbed already? You're the most useless main character ever, Renji," said Shuu-chan. "Have you ever won a single fight? I mean really. You're so pathetic the fullbringer you fought just fucking _exploded_ on you. Though admittedly, we fullbringers do enjoy exploding."

"So are you up for the ball game!" Renji enthused. Tsukishima's dear friends had a tendency not to register whenever he said something a bit off.

"What have you done to him? Master," said Byakuya, half-furious, half-curious. (Okay, mostly just curious.)

"Don't you remember? After you treated Rukia like dogshit, Renji swore on his soul that he would become stronger and defeat you. But then, through an intervention, we convinced Renji _that_ was never going to happen in literally a million years, and so we funneled his rage into a more fulfilling outlet. He then swore on his soul to become the greatest baseball player in Soul Society. And also,"

STAB

"The greatest master of the jig." Tsukishima began clapping. "What are you waiting for, Renji? Dance, my friend, dance!"

Byakuya looked on impassively and Tsukishima giggled immoderately while Renji river danced his heart out.

"It's thanks to you, TSUKISHIMA MY DEAREST FRIEND!" shouted Renji, transported as the dancer became the dance.

"See? I make people happy!" said Tsukishima.

And that's when Renji accidentally smashed himself in the balls with the baseball bat (river dance and baseball were not very synergistic).

Tsukishima placed his hand on Renji's shoulder and said with a consoling tone, "Trust us, Renji—no matter what, you're still a far better dancer than you are a shinigami."

"You made him an unskilled dancer on purpose, didn't you?"

"Yep."

"You're the shittiest person I've ever met," said Byakuya. "And that's saying something."

"Oh, get off your high horse. Deep down you know what you're truly meant to be—a villain! Why else do you think you felt the good ol' thrill of the kill when you managed to eviscerate a human/your master? Join me, Byakuya-bou, and together we can troll EVERYTHING."

"Considering you wield nigh on godlike power, Master, I don't suppose I have a choice."

"That's the spirit! You'll be my pupil in evulz! And I know just who our prime target will be today."

"I wager it's someone else who tries his hardest and risks his life on behalf of his friends, but upon whom life simply will not refrain from defecating."

"Oh yes. And you owe him a very great debt. I believe my comrade in evulz is trolling him at this juncture. Come!"

The others flash stepped in, soul cutters screaming for the kill.

"Kuchiki, are you and your limp dick master here turning against Soul Society? Good on you, ya bastards!" Zaraki picked his ear. "Or is it just because you're weak as all fuck?"

"Neither of you are going anywhere," said Hitsugaya. "Or do you wanna end up like him?" He pointed his thumb back at his frozen prisoner, Yukio.

Ikkaku cocked an eyebrow. "Renji, why are you dancing with a baseball ba-never mind I now remember. Also we're definitely not friends anymore."

"That's all right by me! TSUKISHIMA-SAMA IS THE GREATEST OF ALL FRIENDS!" said Renji.

"Now now, settle down," said Tsukishima. "I think our chum Renji's words have pierced through to the crux of the issue. We're not turning against _anybody_! How could we? I'm everyone's _absolute undying best friend forever!_ Why, don't you remember when

STAB

"I was there for you every day, training you in the art of calligraphy, Ikkaku?"

The blade at the tip of Ikkaku's staff became a brush.

"It was tough persuading my colleague Kenpachi to introduce calligraphy to Squad Eleven

STAB

"But he saw the light eventually, didn't you, Kenny boy."

"Better than getting lectured about how to swing a sword with both hands, that's for sure," said Kenpachi. "Now I slaughter my challengers with one hand and paint with the other."

"And Hitsugaya, I'd be utterly _appalled_ if you forgot how often you'd channel all your excess reiatsu into me, for a reason I'm sure I'll come up with some time later."

STAB

"Need any more?" asked Hitsugaya.

"All topped off, thanks. By the way, you don't resent how I stabbed Hinamori like seventy times in the brain, do you?"

"You had your reasons, I'm sure. In fact I'm pretty sure I joined you on more than one occasion."

"You know what's great, guys?" said Tsukishima. "Having _friends. Like. You. _Now off to troll Ichigo!"

Yukio piped up: "You can't enter it except by Ginjou's _express_ per…"

Tsukishima just gave him a _look._

"Oh yeah."

STAB "Your parents loved you."

Yukio clicked his boots and his face lit up as though a new Monster Hunter came out that very minute. "YAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"See you soon, dearest friends!" Tsukishima waved.

And he and his pupil Byakuya flash stepped towards Ginjou and Ichigo.

"My substitute shinigami badge is a remote reiatsu controller!" shouted Ichigo. "I've seen firsthand how shit Soul Society is, but giving me a badge with an ulterior motive whose ethics are arguable at worst TAKES THE CAKE! I can't believe they'd pull such a dastardly plot!"

"Yeah! Sucks, don't it!" Seeing as how Ginjou had spent the majority of the arc toying with Ichigo's trust for no discernible reason before robbing his powers, he marveled at Ichigo's sheer suggestibility.

"Substitute shinigami has gotta be the rawest deal in history. You spend your whole life slaying horrible soulless hell beasts, and when you finally die… you get to spend your whole afterlife slaying horrible soulless hell beasts. Why the hell do they even need us, there are so many shinigami bumming around Seireitei it's a wonder there isn't an Earth emigration drive."

"Well, in fairness they _do_ all suck," shrugged Ichigo. "And I'm not too peeved I'm under surveillance, since whenever I've got my badge on, my life essentially consists of punching Keigo in the face."

"Wow, you're worse to your friends than I am!" said Ginjou. "I shared my spoils with everyone in Xcution, you shun your friends like you're above them. Cocky ass bastard."

This was too much. "BAN…. KA-!"

"My my." Tsukishima kicked Zangetsu out of Ichigo's hands. "Don't tell me it's time for another session of Friend Time with Shuu-chan."

"YOU!" Ichigo fumed. "You turned all my friends against me!"

"Way I recall, you did that yourself, Ichigo. Fuck, I'm a better friend _to your friends_ than you are."

"Look here buddy, you both can come back to me when you've saved your friends and the fucking _world_ half as many times as I have! I think I've earned the right to be a tad self-absorbed during the nine seconds of my life I'm not either a) training my ass off b) getting jobbed for effect, or c) fighting the big bad alone AGAIN."

"What is this, anime continuity?" asked Tsukishima. "Dude, I'm a weaponized retcon. I can insert myself into your history in any way I please and wipe away all of that unpleasantness."

"No way, my sweat, blood and tears have made me who I am today!"

Laughs all around. Especially Ishida.

"I'm sorry, Kurosaki," said Ishida, wiping a tear. "It's just, you basically haven't changed at all since _we_ last fought, personality-wise."

"Except it's easier than ever to get him on all fours, gnashing his teeth and wailing his misfortune," trolled Tsukishima.

"Good lord, I don't even remember what I said about your dad," laughed Ginjou, "but the second he showed up you were all like, 'Et tu!' You guys need a trust circle or something, I mean fuck. He's your _dad._"

"Are you all quite done?" drawled Byakuya.

"Pay attention, I've saved the ultimate trollolol for last," Tsukishima said, and he pointed his fullbring at Ichigo. "You see this sword? It's way better than yours."

Ichigo facepalmed. "That's it?"

Tsukishima lifted one Aizenly finger. "How many training arcs have you gone through, Ichigo?"

"Quite a few. There was even a super lame one where I had to run on an exercise machine nonstop for several days."

"Can you guess how many training arcs I've had to go through, Ichigo?"

Ichigo sized up his… slim frame. "Zero," he guessed.

"Precisely! And do you know why that is?"

"Because you're so greasy that dumbbells slip right out of your grasp?"

"It's because with my fullbring, I never have to accomplish anything for myself—I can effortlessly achieve anything I wish _retroactively._ You went through hell in your quest to rescue your friends from Aizen's clutches, but if it were me, _well_, I'd just have made it so I already saved everybody, and now Aizen is my loyal and doting personal chef. You may have started off with monster reiatsu, but I've got the mother of all hax right here in my hand."

"Don't worry, I'll find a way to beat you. Because I have to!" said Ichigo.

"That may have worked earlier with Ulquiorra and Aizen and the like—always with a new super form at the ready!—but see, if I so desired it, I could give myself all of your super forms along with a nice spot of tea."

"Oh, and some ramen!" Ginjou requested. All that mad grinning and cackling had burned more calories than the swordfight had.

"Okay, okay," said Tsukishima. "You can have more ramen."

"Hey buddy, can you stab my mind so like I'm SUPER into ramen? Wouldn't that be lulzy!" said Ginjou.

"Tell you what, why don't we start Friend Time with a gigantic communal bowl of ramen so you don't feel left out."

"YAY!" Ginjou pumped his fist in the air. He and Tsukishima had a strange sort of genuine friendship that revolved around a mutual respect for lulz.

"And Ishida-kun, is there anything you'd like before we begin Friend Time?"

Ishida pushed up his glasses. "What do you mean?"

"How about we sort that whole last of the Quincies mix-up? Would you like to see your grandpappy again?"

Tears welled up in Ishida's eyes. The thought had never occurred to him. "Can you really do it?"

"Absolutely!"

STAB

"Now I'm a Quincy and also your grandpa."

"WHAT!"

"Search your feelings." Tsukishima waited for Ishida to draw upon his memories, which he now found were very different.

"I LOVE FRIEND TIME WITH GRANDPA!" wept Ishida. "BUT WHY AM I SEETHING WITH HATRED!"

"I apologize Uryuu, it's because I've been so _dreadfully _tardy starting Friend Time!" said Tsukishima. "Ichigo, will you call your friends or shall I do the honors?"

"I'll defeat you… because I have to. I'll defeat you because I have to." Ichigo chanted, hugging his legs while rocking back and forth.

Tsukishima turned to Byakuya. "Soul Society's got all of Ichigo's friends pegged as well, I surmise."

Byakuya nodded and a substitute badge materialized in his hand. "Of course."

CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK…

"Ginjou, let 'em all through," said Tsukishima.

One by one, Ichigo's friends were transported into their pocket dimension.

"It's all my friends!" Ichigo shook his head in anguish. "And Keigo!"

"Ichigo? Where are we? What's going on?" said Tatsuki, dazed and confused.

"What's Shuu-chan doing here?" asked Mizuiro, squinting.

"Yuzu! Karin!" Ichigo picked himself up to dash to their side, but Ginjou blocked him.

Before Ichigo could say anything, Ginjou interjected, pouncing all over the situation like a trolling fiend. "I don't know if he's told you or not, but for the past two years, Kurosaki Ichigo has been purifying evil spirits as a substitute soul reaper! Do you remember when he used to go on about how he could see ghosts? You can't have forgotten all those times Karakura's been bombarded by unseen forces, you even got beamed up to Soul Society once! Well, Ichigo's amassed a truly dizzying amount of spiritual powers in the service of Soul Society! Just ask Yasutora and Inoue!"

Chad and Orihime looked to Tsukishima, then to Ichigo, nearly as confused as everyone else. "Ichigo, why are you fighting that man?" asked Chad, pointing at Ginjou. "And Shuu, what…?"

Tsukishima simply blinked, with a smirk that said "shhh, enjoy the show."

"Allow me to demonstrate the power that your rapscallion friend's been keeping from you all this time. TENSHOU!"

The power slash tore through the clouds. Stunned gaping ensued.

"Now, my merry miscreants…" Ginjou continued. "How would you all like a taste of such power? It's yours, free of charge." He looked at Ichigo and flashed him a toothy grin and an A-OK sign. "No waiting two years for Soul Society to charge up a magic sword, with me the turnover is _instant_."

"What was _your_ fullbring again, Ichigo? 'Cloaked with power'?" Tsukishima taunted snidely. "Hardly measures up, does it?"

Ichigo gritted his teeth. "If you hurt _any_ of them—"

"You insult me, Ichigo! Are you really this dense? For the last time: I'm your *friend,* why would I hurt _anybody_ here?"

"It's the opposite of hurting them," said Ginjou. "You won't need to protect them anymore, because they'll all be as strong as you and me. Isn't that the best possible outcome?"

"I've seen what your idea of 'friends' is!" Ichigo snorted. "All of Xcution is having a pretty shit day now you've utterly abandoned them!"

"Yeah, but they all just happened to be evil anyway," Ginjou dismissed. "See? HEROES."

"Last time I deigned to be your friend I nearly exploded," said Ichigo.

But Ginjou tired of this back and forth. "Tsukishima, where is my ramen?"

"Why don't I make Ichigo a spiritually augmented, preternaturally gifted ramen kenpou user so you can transfer that power of Ichigo's to everybody?"

Ginjou clutched his sides at the prospect.

"'Ramen kenpou'? What's that'?" asked Ichigo.

"It's a hell of a lot more original than your current powers are," replied Tsukishima.

STAB

Ichigo WTF-faced for the eightieth time that day as Tsukishima's fullbring poked through his chest. Fangirls everywhere rejoiced at the nonexistent subtext.

"Yes, I feel the ramen powers coursing through my veins!" Ginjou cackled ecstatically. His Power Ranger armor became a stylish ramen noodle armor—as stylish as such a thing can be.

"For the record, I took the liberty of pioneering ramen kenpou as the indisputably strongest spiritual fighting form," said Tsukishima. "Aizen eat your heart out."

Good ol' Shuu-chan was now Ichigo's ramen kenpou mentor from an early age. Even Uryuu, Tsukishima's grandson, was now brought up with ramen kenpou, his bow strung with noodles.

"It's FRIEND TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!" Ginjou wasn't even bothering to restrain his slasher smile as he sliced his fullbring through everybody one by one, giving them each human/shinigami status as well as Ichigo's massive reiatsu and extra fantastic noodle-centric abilities.

"Ichigo, Uryuu, whip us all up a nice big bowl o' ramen, if you please," said Tsukishima.

Ichigo and Uryuu were now bosom buddies and best friends with a mutual obsession with ramen. And since they both loved Shuu-sama so much it _burned_ (especially Ishida), they followed through with the order immediately, ignoring for the moment that a strange ramen-armored man was spitting up his lungs laughing while chopping up their shrieking high school chums with a hulking sword.

"I think that's enough, dude," said Tsukishima, always collected.

Ginjou was panting with exertion, admiring his handiwork.

Tatsuki, Orihime, Chad, Mizuiro, Keigo, Yuzu and Karin all gazed at their hands in abject terror as they began to glow and violently surge with energy.

"So dope," said Ginjou, shedding a little tear at the beauty of these young people metamorphosing like beautiful butterflies.

"Whoa," said Tatsuki, clenching her hands into fists and delivering the air a one-two. "This feels… sort of good!"

Keigo was especially bubbly. "I've never felt better!"

Evidently Yuzu agreed. "So much energy! I feel like I could stay up for _three whole nights!"_

"You can't," interjected Karin at once, even as she herself brimmed with wonderful new vitality.

Orihime was particularly affected. She was now a magical human/ fullbringer/ shinigami, the same perfect blend of her crush (minus the Hollow aspect that inexplicably disappeared). In addition to her already awesome reality warping power, she now possessed all of Ichigo's abilties as well (…though she still fell short of her ultimate ideal of being a tank robot from the future). "I could live with this."

"Inoue-san, you look so pretty!" Yuzu exclaimed, as the shinigami robes formed around all of them. "This is amazing!"

That's when soul cutters began shooting out of holes in their chests.

"Aaaaah!" Yuzu screamed.

"Calm down, everyone," said Chad. "The transformation isn't too horrifying, just… try not to pay the slowly corroding soul chain any attention."

"The WHA?"

"Oh, you can't see them?" said Chad. "Uh… forget I said anything."

"NOW I CAN SEE IT." She bit her lip, quavering but frozen in place.

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE CHAIN," said Chad, who noticed strands of ramen were beginning to coil around her cute shinigami ensemble. "Don't worry, it won't reach your heart before the sword completely emerges, then you're safe," he reassured her.

"IT'S REACHING MY HEART FASTER," Keigo panicked, but no one heeded him.

"Check it out," said Orihime, holding up her hand. "Ramen fingers!" The ramen armor had reached her hands, making her gloves.

"Nooot helping," said Karin. "Oh god oh god oh god…"

"God knows I've seen weirder from her," said Tatsuki, who was dutifully cutting away at the ramen running up her legs with her sword. "I've grown accustomed by now."

"Relax, it's just ramen armor," said Ginjou. "Like mine! It's comfy!"

Tatsuki looked up at him, then resumed cutting away at the ramen with redoubled intensity.

"So beautiful," Ginjou repeated, wiping his eyes. "The spring of youth, in blossom!"

Then it came to him.

"Oh shit I made them all fullbringers, they're gonna explode!" Ginjou realized. "Duck for cover!"

They all began shooting out energy like the Tenth Doctor on steroids.

"I'm EVERYONE'S friend, in good times and bad!" said Tsukishima, not as skittish as Ginjou. "Group hug! I saaiid, group. Hug! Ergh."

Tsukishima wrestled them all into a screaming mass of agitating bodies and figured that was close enough. "No one doesn't love Friend Time with Shuu-chan!"

Tsukishima did them a solid and drank up the excess fullbringer-explosion energy, which only just happened to increase his own power greatly.

"I should probably call Soul Society," intoned Byakuya, a little slow on the uptake.

"Don't bother: my stand, I mean fullbring should have been called 'Ain't No Stopping Us Now!' The trollfest will consume all of recent history and turn it into a planet of constant Tsukishima worship!"

Orihime struck upon an idea. "_Nothing_ can stop you?"

"Not a thing in the world, my little Love Gun," Tsukishima smarmed.

"_Santen Kesshun!"_

"Well shit."

Tsukishima was summarily erased from existence. More accurately, Orihime rejected him from reality entirely.

"Whose hax is the strongest?" said Orihime, cupping her ear as she healed everyone and reverted them back to their original state (except her own enhancements, though sadly she lost her ramen kenpou).

"Yooouurs," said everyone.

"Who is the hax queen?"

"You aaaare."

"Correct." Arms akimbo and eyes closed, she even bit back the desperate urge rattling from the core of her being to cry out "Kurosaki-kun!" She savored the _cool._ And looked forward to hitting up Ichigo for, ahem, information on how to release her soul cutter. Hopefully he might get his own sword up while they were alone together, titter titter.

"RAMEN!" Ginjou lunged.

"Looks like some of the effects haven't worn off, though," she observed.

"I thought you said that a fullbringer's effects vanished when he died," said Ichigo. "I mean he's not my mentor anymore but we're all still crazy for ramen."

"I lied," said Ginjou in between mouthfuls of slurpy, slurpy ramen. "It's what I do!"

And happily they all chuckled and sat down in a circle to eat of the giant bowl of ramen.


End file.
